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[29 Mar 2008|04:59pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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dude, I just remembered my deadjournal is way cooler. And in way more need of an update. Mostly because I read a few of the earlier entries and I seem just so naive and young.
A while ago I posted a SPN entry that was actually fairly profound for what age I created this idea... the idea that I needed to fall in love and lose it. I thought I needed to have my heart broken.
Joey T's comment was right. I was out of my mind. Having one's heart broken is AWFUL. HOWEVER!! I do feel that, in the past year alone, I've matured more than in the past 20. And I only hope it goes much further from here.
I'm more aware of what I want, not constantly catering to everyone before me; I handle problems more rationally; I still make stupid mistakes (of course) but they're fewer and further between.
All in all, I am, at present, extremely happy with where I am in my life.
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| initiate deadjournal revival-- now. |
[17 Jan 2007|06:55am] |
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mood |
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 gah! |
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I woke up in the middle of the night and just started thinking.
It was quite annoying.
My dad used to (and still does) do this ALL the time:
Wake up in the middle of the night and just start worrying.
About EVERYTHING. really... EVERYTHING.
And now I do the same goddamned thing.
"Ain't that a bitch?" as it is said.
I thought about going back to school, mostly.
What job could I get that would be part time and flexible?
If I geta job, I have to make sure I have time to go to the gym.
Ooh- and possibly time to have a social life.
Should I start studying? I'm a little rusty on my calculus.
I should cut a sliver of a leaf and look at it under a microscope.
...oh, wait-- it's winter... what leaves?
Did I lose my pretty red pen that goes to my pretty red and black notebook?
(It had a tassel!)
......I'm... CRAzY.
I have a feeling the next time I decide I want to "sleep" I might need to be sedated.
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[01 Oct 2006|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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Compy, I'm going to stab you in the FACE.
....because you stabbed me in the heart....
:::sob:::
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[05 Sep 2006|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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 fizgig |
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I don't think you know how jealous I am of you.
You're gorgeous, you're fun. (Not to say that I'm not, but you...) You're confident.
You know how to stand up for yourself. (I really don't)
You have passion, ambition; you're motivated. (I just feel stuck.)
I feel more and more disappointed in myself the more proud I am of you.
But that's not a you problem.
Jealousy and envy are only ever problems of the jealous and the envious.
The "you" in this... isn't even one person.
That's how disappointed I am in the me of this.
It's ironic how a realization that depressing can be so paralyzing.
Bah.
[/endblather]
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[27 Jul 2006|11:15am] |
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mood |
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 lalala... weee.. lalala |
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Anyone who hasn't heard-- MY BIRTHDAY: My house, Saturday Aug. 5- Sunday Aug 6. Much drrrinking, hopefully very little vomiting... --no one is required to drink, but if you do, you're not driving anywhere. So plan to stay over. Pool/ Hottub, a not-so-perfect pool table and a not quite stable ping pong table (they're old). no parents, yet they know it's going on; older siblings who tend to be "responsible" uhm, etc. etc.
Now that it's been plugged, I'm going to express my concerns:
My mother keeps instilling every worry and fear that one can have about holding a party, and I don't want to BE worrying at this party. It's my freaking birthday-- I want to have a good time. So I ask that people, like, control themselves.
I really wanted the eustace people and maryland people to come-- because I KNOW how most of you/them act when they're drunk and I trust ya'll; I think my worrying began with the inviting of like, *others* (ie: coldstone people, leenie's friends, etc.)
Hopefully things will go well.
Gifts are most definitely NOT required. If you wanna pitch in for what I'm going to spend on alcohol, be my guest. :oP
Or, even if you'd like to bring some kind of alcohol as like a "party gift" that's awesome, too. i'm not sure what everyone wants so I'm getting variety.
blah blah blah-- I'm almost 20-- woot.
I'm going to MD tomorrow... so I'm not going to be, well, here.
PS: I'm at work, and very bored.
The result: DJ POST! ...I knew boredom had to be good for something.
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[21 Jul 2006|02:12pm] |
So yesterday I worked from 9-5 at my dad’s office and then cleaning at Coldstone from 10pm till 5:30 AM. YEah. I’m not freaking joking. Then this morning I was supposed to be at work by 8… but I came in at noon. Tonight I work again at 6. till 12. Kill me.
I’ve decided I want to go to the farm fair tomorrow, if weather is okay. Because damnit, I want to get my face painted, eat disgusting carnival food (ie: super-greasy fries and cotton candy), and I want to ride every ride, most importantly—the Zipper. SOOOO… if anyone wants to come with, you’re welcome to :oD ....Again—assuming weather permits.
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[09 Jul 2006|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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 je ne sais pas. |
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RANDOM THOUGHTS in the evanescent memory of SPN.
*********
Knock knock knock.
Is she okay?
Knock.
Hello?
A struggle.
Oh, my God. You're hurting her! Stop!
Bang bang.
Stop! Stop!
A scream.
Let me in! What has she done?!?
What has she done.
*********
It's been so long since I knew what it was like...
--I don't really think I even remember anymore.
It's strange how we change, for the best or the worst,
And it's awful not always having a choice.
...Or did I?
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[08 Jul 2006|12:11am] |
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mood |
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heavily nostalgic |
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I miss seeing everyone. Hanging out, doing nothing of importance, but just being together.
I also miss being away at school. I miss getting hammered or just acting crazy, being stupid, getting to know people.
Summer is supposed to be fun and relaxing. ...Which, with the lack of schoolwork and class, it is...
But the people that make me happiest in life seem to get so much further away in the summer as I've gotten older.
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[21 Jun 2006|03:01am] |
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mood |
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 just cant care anymore |
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just when....
uh... fuck it.
I'm just sick of it.
Anyone wanna go out tomorrow (wed)? diner? ooh-- Dance? Nocturne, maybe?
if I could not drive and possibly drink instead, that's waaaaayyyyy cooler.
I need to... unwind.
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[28 May 2006|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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 done. |
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You AMAZE me.
How can one make me feel the same way three nights consecutively?
Astounding.
I look hot. I'm going out ...and I'm getting very drunk.
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| So I had very odd dream last night... |
[27 May 2006|01:23pm] |
I was driving around like, a college campus and saw Joanna (my friend from K-8) in a window talking to some people. Then she came downstairs and was talking with CyBlei when he spots me and tells her she needs to meet someone and brings her over to me-- and I was like "We've met" and we hugged and she was really really happy to see me.
Then, I was late to one of my final exams (Italian, with Prof. McLucas), but the exam was being held in the Eustace Cafeteria....
So then I start taking the test and the questions all have to do with like, "Why it's important to be on time for this test" ...None of it was italian... and because I was late I was only given three minutes to complete it...
Later I was in another class room and I kept telling everyone that I wanted to get out of there soon 'cuz I had a two hour drive back home, but the setup of the school- like, with lockers and everything was all like Harrington (my 7-8 grade school).
...So the overall analysis of the dream is that i really need to grow up. I'm stuck in several different time periods of schooling and friendships and even my own irresponsibilities... Weeeirrrd...
(But perhaps it's even weirder that CyBlei had a place in my dreams... ::shudder::)
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[19 May 2006|07:22pm] |
Soooo... you guys are totally the most wonderful friends ever.
Thank you for supporting me, always. I love you.
I miss you guys and I cannot wait to come home and see you.
And yet, I love the boy and don't want to leave him.
*Guh.*
However, he says he'll definitely be visiting more this summer. ^_^
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[30 Apr 2006|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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ALWAYS disappointed |
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It's not fair it's not fair!@!!
I do this to myself every fucking time.
It's not fair. I have to sit back and watch everyone else have a good time, why?
not fucking fair. i do this to myself.
I hate hating me so much.
I hate this. I want to be anywhere but here.
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[15 Apr 2006|08:48pm] |
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mood |
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pensive |
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My emotions are crazy. I can never decide how I feel.
In one moment, I hate where my life is.
I hate that I don't know what I want to do with my life. But I am just a freshman, right? "I've got time" But patience and effort have never exactly been my strong points, ya know? I know that I don't need to know where I'm going now. But for a while, I thought I knew. So, the sudden not-knowing is infuriating. Yesterday I was crying over this (among other things, ie: a bitchy teacher) for really no reason. It could have been anything. I just had to cry.
I say "had to" because it seems like lately it's a lot more frequently that the waterworks just let loose. I cry over bloody everything. Everything! And I hate it. I don't like feeling so vulnerable.
On the other hand, I'm happier than ever. More specifically, I'm in love.
And ironically, the thing that makes me so happy in life also makes me most vulnerable. Does that make sense?
I guess when you think about it, I'm only okay with it because I know I'm in love. I know there's a future to this. I know he's there for me-- with me. I'm not alone in this.
And yet I cry. And I get lonely. And I hate where I am.
Until he reminds me: I'm not alone. All the crap-- it doesn't matter. I'm not alone.
My emotions are crazy.
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| Spring break... what a hoot. |
[20 Mar 2006|08:45am] |
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mood |
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annoyed... as in WTF. |
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My mother just told me my personality had lots and lots of flaws-- focusing mostly on my dependency upon other people...
Then she called me "white trash".
Yyyyyup. Ready for school again.
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| I got a good one! (aka: he's mine, you can't have him) |
[25 Feb 2006|01:58pm] |
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mood |
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 in love |
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My Valentine's Day present (plus a three year warranty)
The boy LOVES ME.
And I so love him. ^_^
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[14 Jan 2006|09:52am] |
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mood |
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 confused and whining about it |
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So, what am I going to do with my life, people?
'Cause I haven't a clue.
Which sucks 'cause I thought I did. I really really thought I had it.
(But then I really really thought I loved Bryan.)
Now I feel very confused and like I'm wasting time and money just being so fucking lost all the time.
Why am I so relentlessly fickle about EVERYTHiNG? Both the important and the futilely petty?
I feel like I want to do everything and yet have absolutely nothing kicking me in the ass to do it.
Moreso, nothing in any one direction is calling me. It's always been like this.
I've never been able to choose just one thing and stick with it. I don't know if it's because I get bored or what... but I think it has to do with self-discovery.
The only thing I've learned thus far in my life is that I enjoy attention (duh). To an extreme! ~ I'll scream songs from An American Tail at the top of my lungs and off-key just so someone will look. I enjoy making people happy... making people laugh...
....
O.o
...OH GOOD. I've figured it out.-------I'm joining the circus.
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[10 Jan 2006|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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more smit. |
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music |
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Glorious, Eddie Izzard. Good ol' Eddie. |
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Matt Coogan visits New Jersey!
For all those who don't know/ didn't meet him... this is Matt. My boy. :oP
Total gamer. 'Bought me a PS2 for Christmas!
He makes me very happy.
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[18 Dec 2005|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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hmm... it's like highschool again.
...except worse, and a lot more destructive.
...I've gotta drop this. Procrastinating is my killer.
I've gotta start doing the work.
There is something so WRONG with me.
Why can't I focus? Why can't I just do it. It's so easy! just fucking do it!
...Had I turned in the lab reports... I'd probably have a B. My test grades were FINE.
But I didn't.
And now... now...
...I can taste blood.
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[26 Nov 2005|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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8 more lab reports to do.
And an art project.
And still Chapters 4,5,6,7,8, and 9 of Statistics homework.
...::le sigh:: a slacker's life is the life for me.
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